I can’t tell you why, but in my 20’s I started to get an
inkling that babies weren't going to come easy to me. Maybe it was because I
was studying Tradition Chinese Medicine, and had begun to realise I had quite a
few syndromes going on! There was also the fact that we hadn't exactly been careful when
I first met my soon to be husband, and yet nothing had ever happened.
When we got married, we were in the middle of building our
house, in the good old days of the boom. We were living above a local pub,
finding married life quite stressful. The transition from engaged to married didn't seem to be as smooth as others. Perhaps we were both trying to hold on to our independence.
Living above a pub wasn't the healthiest environment to be
in, I am a diabolical drinker, 2 glasses of wine is my limit, but I was smoking at the time. My new husband
enjoyed the Guinness on tap downstairs! I got pregnant 5 months after we got
married, and I was delighted, gave up smoking, and took the pregnancy very
seriously, but looking back, I wasn't ready to be a mother, as a couple we
had a lot of sorting out to do. My life revolved around my work, work and more
work. An incredibly un-stressful job, but a very hard one, energy wise, I remember
looking back at the diary the day I lost that baby, and I had 8 sports massages
in, what the hell was I playing at?
So from that moment, lots of things changed, the joy of
getting pregnant personally for me was lost forever. A miscarriage takes away
all your joy, it strips it from your heart. Before you have a miscarriage, you
begin to love a treasure, this little person growing inside you. We even had a
name, I was certain it was a boy. But when you realise that actually you are at
the hands of fate. Every pregnancy after that moment can be terrifying, and
joyless.
I remember I was waiting for the D&C, it was the day
before Christmas Eve, and for some reason I was left waiting in the store
cupboard, by the operating theatre, in my gown and manky boots. I was crying until
a lovely doctor came in horrified that they’d left me wait in there. Put in the
theatre, the nurses were discussing how many miscarriages they had had that
week, then what they were hoping to get for Christmas.
I think something in my brain after this decided that I
never wanted to go through that experience ever again, so we didn't conceive
for 3 years after that. Looking back I don’t like regretting moments in my life, but those 3 years I really wish I hadn't put my life on hold, I wish we
had gone on more holidays and had more fun, I wish I had stopped thinking I was
pregnant every bloody month.
I got pregnant again, finally, but I didn't feel it was
quite right. I think as women we have incredibly strong intuition, if we choose
to listen to it. My sister was working with me, we were having a great time, I remember
we were going to go to Kildare Shopping Village to go Christmas shopping, I had
had a dream I wasn't pregnant any more, and that morning I started bleeding.
Turned out my dream was right, the scan showed an empty sac. I was remarkably
calm, after this, until my dad rang me, and I will never forget the sadness in
his voice as he cried on the phone for what his baby of our family, had lost. I
balled after that.
Life moved on as it does, oddly I grew stronger as a person
and a therapist. I had empathy and a deeper understanding when treating
fertility. I played polocrosse, got help with work, gave up the physical
therapy part of my work. My sister was due her baby at the end of that summer,
and asked me to be her birthing partner, in the UK. I was so excited and distracted.
I had started to go for counselling with a wonderful woman, and as a couple we
were incredibly strong. I conceived that month. I will never forget it, it was
the only month in all those years I took my eye off the ball!!! I was sat in
the hospital watching my sister in labour on my 3rd really strong coffee,
thinking god this tastes rotten...bingo!
We have two gorgeous children, Josh and Heather; Heather
came as a surprise 18 months after Josh. I have gone on a journey that millions
of women have gone before me. We are pretty amazing really. I meet women
that blow me away, with their courage and strength every day.
My Fertile Body Pregnancy Support is a 6-8 week support
programme to help couples during those fragile weeks of early pregnancy. It’s
going to be available in the early months of 2016. And I hope we reach out and help
as many people as possible.
Katie Murphy Lic Ac TCMCI
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